Saturday, October 16, 2010

my trip, buttsecks, hate and longing.....hmmm!

WHooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! i have missed blogger, its been sooooooo long. i am weeping in relief, joy and wonderment a sorry baby for leaving for so long it wasnt my fault. forgive me honey pleaaseeeee?
anyhoo what has kept me away for so long?
i had the most stressful week
i went to amsterdam! spent two nights...not enough! didnt even get to see the red light distrcit .booooooooooooooo! and the closest i came to eating a space cake was a silly marijuana lollipop. oh well! i shall return.
I got on my flight to naija and before i landed in abuja i felt this pang of fear and sadness................back to this shitty place that i love loving from afar!
i saw my mum and y little bro and my dad
felt crappy.........wracked my brain thinking of a country i could escape too and hadnt even spent 3 days in naija yet.
backtrack.......................abuja international airport is still shitty....there were limited trolleys.............i'll stop there.
anyhoo my sis and cousin travelled so i have been alone at home........bored! but they had the good sense to leave this naija movie called MEN IN LOVE to occupy my time, its like naijas gay movie, with menwaving their hands and saying what..evurrrr ( ok i exaggerate a bit, but this one guy said it o!) anyhoooo it seem s Muna Obiekwe is trying to be the James Franco abi Sean Penn of nollywood, it was kind of a crafest, Muna was inlove with this straight married guy and his idea of making the guy love him after his many advances had been refused was to invite him fo his bday party drug him and have buttsecks with him! he didnt even kiss John Dumelo..................booo! it was hilarious. a hilarious ass raping sex scene lol oh well
i also saw a preview of a new movie with muna in it as well playing a dude sleeping with this old dude and another girl, and showing us his ass in a man thong *shudders* lol the name of the movie is DIRTY should be fun to watch
uhm i am typing thiss post from a cyber cafe, i feel weird i will try and get internet to my house, i cant be doing this cyber cafe thing abeg!!!!!!!!!!it is frustrating...............its official i hate Nigeria.............uhm and yeah feels god to be partly back, even though i couldnt have my crack in amsterdam at least i still have my original crack....................blogosphere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yay!! anyone miss me?? yooooooooooooooo hoooooooooooooooooooo lol i missed you all and blog trolling so baaaaaaaaaaaaad

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Last Night .............I was very naughty

yesterday my friends and i went out, this is possibly going to be my last beach outing on this my tiny country.
i wore a loose top, skinny jeans, i must confess i wasnt feeling hot or sexy at all, i decided i would act sexy but anyone who knows me knows i am not sexy, most times when i decide to be, i almost always fail miserably,i guess i am one of those silly people that dont know when they exude their sexiness, so they cant even repeat whatever action on command. i wasnt in a leg showing mood after all the insect bites and allergies that has turned my once almost flawless leg to resemble the legs of female boarders who always scrubbed the gutter, the blotchiness is saddening, i will soon by bleaching cream for the spots soon(i prefer showing legs to breasts most of the time) but i have to confess i felt a bit like the ugly duckling when the other girls came out with their short gowns, short skirts and short shorts.................damn! lol i usually dont send but i found myself sending and not wanting to be the ugly reverend sister of the group, i wanted my own male attention joor. anywho we walked in, they got almost all the stares, whispers and hey babe but that was to be brief, i got on the dance floor IT IS OVER *yoruba accent* lol yep, i can hold my own on any caribbean dance hall o, i know i cant dance as good as the caribbean girls but i know i am better than most naija girls, kind of in between i guess but it seemed i was on fire yesterday o! come and see me almost being mobbed by boys with outwardly protruding waists hoping that my ass would accidentally land on their groin and remain dia and it did land there for some boys o but not any yeye person.
this hot chinese guy came to talk to me at the first bar before i even started dancing, i think he liked my friend but she doesnt like asians, too bad i thought he was hot or well we spotted this cute biracial dude, my other two friends were already fighting over him msschew lol and they hadnt even talked o. anyhoo we entered the dance floor and i danced with this guy named S(hes african um senegalese? but he goes to my school and has alot of naija pals) oh my it was raunchy, i did things with my waist inula(you dig)! the boy had to confess that he didnt know naija girls could do that kind of thing and this wasnt even the first time i had danced with him in the past, anyway i whine whine he started nibbling on my ear hmmm why didnt i stop him? anywho lots of rotten carib song, the funny thing is i have always danced to their songs but never listened to the lyrics untill recently, i swear if you listen to the lyrics of their song you go deaf ooo.....e'g's of songs was vanessa blings one man for my poom poom yeah or even vybz kartel...dat virginity song (i no to dey sabi namez of d songs shaa) mid dance i pulled my two hot friends and we formed a layered sandwhich, it was fun people just gathered shaa, i just bone face lol anyhoo i noticed biracial dude was standing outside satring at us dancing all the while,there was this other cute guy as well but that one later left, anyhoo biracial guy stood up to an hour with a beer just staring and occasionally nodding his head. so i motioned him with finger and mouthed COME AND DANCE chei! there was no hesitation lol the guy didnt even blink he just entered the crowd sharp sharp and started making his way towards us, chai i can be a badass wing woman forgelt it!! anyhoo he came in and he introduced himself, i ididnt hear a word! these huge ass speakers were behind us and i was already partially deaf, still am, anyhoo he started rubbing on my friend and then he took turns with all of us! what a good boy. we went to pee and N told him she was coming back but we returned and he had disappeared and we never saw him again.
anyhoo this creepy camerounian guy who likes me kept looking at me creepily from afar urgh! after a while he came to lurk by myside i held on to S and danced harder so he would leave my side, it worked. anyhoo after awhile S was becoming a bit choking; all over me and i was getting tired so i went out for a bit of air and you guys i ran into my dumb patient from the gonococcus post! he hugged me and asked me to wait that he was coming back for dance, in my mind i said lai lai. i asked him about his girlfriend, he said fine, he tried hitting on me and i was like nooo me doctor you patient and then he asked me to tell my friend that he wanted to marry her, i guess he was still his jolly creepy self, he wanted to buy me a drink i was like no thanks................he later left and then my friend that made a funny face when she got her own marriage proposal now asked me why i didnt tell him to get us baileys and i was like no. abeg abeg abeg i be doctor i have to represent lol
anyhoo i got home by 4am, tired, partially deaf, sweaty and funny hair and i slept off on the sofa with the tv on lol FUN

This is something i have always wondered about, to my knowledge when guys dance with girls most times they get erections if the girl is making good use of her ass and then the girl would usually laugh and tell her friends "I could feel his thing poking my back, it was like a pinky (sp?) hahahahaha" i have never felt anything ever poke my back, once or twice i think i have but it felt like a lil' poke which was like it never happened in the first place that made me conclude it was the jean trouser, i dunno why i havent felt an erection because i know i am a very adequate grinder lol jeez i just realized this wondering sounds ridiculous and i am almost embarrassed that i have wondered but i still dey wonder shaa............peace ya'll this is a long ass post and i didnt even write everything. cheers ya'll

another much i have changed, before i would hardly ever grind on any guy and when i did it was a fifteen second grind and i would quickly turn back to continue a face to face dance, if any unsolicited for groin suddenly rubbed on my ass i would quickly turn and give the offender such a stern look that the guy would almost move away embarrassed lol and now see me, i can just dey for ten minutes non stop, i am heading to Nigeria like i said in my previous post and i am sure my strict mom wont even let me go out till eight pm sef, my mum's idea of a party is one that start by 3 and ends by 6 pm lol she knows i love to dance, i wish i could say negotiations would be made when i get home but i am sure e no go happen. this stage is over i guess, it ended with a they always regrets lol

My country with a home in it but.............

This year has gone in a totally different direction from what i had in my head, it is almost laughable how things have turned out, for a brilliant girl i have made stupid mistakes/decisions etc that a moron could have spotted hmmm anyhoo we recover and grow, right?
a lot has been happening in my life, i will be going to Nigeria very soon, to work for a bit before i try to escape somewhere else, it scares me going to Nigeria...........i dont know how to say this, actually i do but i'd like to spare all of us the long dialogue on why Nigeria is the way it is, instead i will just say nigeria is a fugged up place, it really is.
My hope right now is that life/ God has a better idea of how my life is to play out than what i had/have in my head, time will tell hmm?
that said.............i am now becoming excited to see my family and eat Nigerian foooooooood and accustom myself to the rudeness again and the hugely impolite office workers who will usually help you out speedily if they know they will be getting a tip, back to distrust and paranoia.
speaking of distrust, a man stopped me on the street yesterday to ask me a question, he called me, i pretended not to hear and then he followed me and i started walking faster and had stop myself from lurching, i finally turned and looked at him suspiciously only for him to ask for my help...he didnt know how to dial a number that was called for him, someone had told him ninety nine hundred and he didnt know what to dial so i just told him it is 9900, he said thankyou relieved and i was relieved as well, oh and this was in the daytime!
i shook my head surprised by my suspicion, i thought i had lost all my Nigerian instinct to suspect everyone till proven other wise, you see i have been living here for almost three years and i have grown accustomed to the niceness here (there are still some meanasses here who hate africans but its a small number of which some of them are just jealous because they feel we sold them into slavery or think we are too corrupt or jsut jealous that we arent as poor and unintelligent as they see on tv) like i was saying, strangers greet me on the street, call me honey or beautiful with each sentence, or give me a ride to my house or even work, church wherever if i am stranded and sometimes they werent even headed in your direction but they would drive the extra mile.
Nigeria is afterall my country, recently i have been reading about our history, i have not even gone that deep but the accounts are sometimes very chilling, i just feel more youths need to read more and know our history and not just rattle off dates of independence, head of states and coups without having an idea what could have been going on behind closed doors. (like i said thing happen behind closed doors alot in nigeria, there is always the public show and then there is the closed to the public gatherings where the real koko happens)
uhm, i dunno what else to type, i feel better now. i promise a very cheery post next time, just been thinking alot!

Friday, September 3, 2010

Bone to pick...............

oooooooooh i feel like a monkey dressed in glitter with a captain's hat is playing a tuba in my belly...................uhm i know i imagine too much:)
anyhoo i hate getting my period. i cant wait to be pregnant! except for the birthing part uhm epidurals for me, i cant shout and i cant wait for menopause! thats how much i hate this shite.
ibuprofen 600mg my best friend, unfortunately ran out but i had this pill i bought from the pharmacy tehteh! which claims its the magical cramp buster.......lies. i read the content page turns out its just acetaminophen with a diuretic there mssschew! paracetamol cant do jack for me! to make matters worse, i dont know what possessed me but i was eating sugary stuff 3 days till my darling period, now its like megatron cramps eish!.
uh-oh this is about to turn into a period post (i hate that word, menses sounds even worse; like an ugly wicked prudish spinster, aunty menses hmmmm) anyway i just have one observation to make and then its back to paracetamol popping for me six hourly.
why cant someone fart without it feeling like someone stuck pebbles flinstone's bone hair clip thingy horizontally up my ass. hurts like a mutha, i cant even fart in peace, taking a dump turns into a competition of what will come out first between the dump, fart and pebble's bone, its a waiting game to feel the winner shyly creep out to the finish line and the downer? no matter what comes out first the feeling is more or less the same; pain!of varying intensity(victory-less competition), like someone stuck a bone up my ass!!!bloating is a demon!!!

i never knew many girls experienced this until i gave this same example to my friends and they gave me the same uh huh.... uh huh acquiescing nod and they even laughed and agreed. big wonder.
wishing you all boneless farts, that gloriously spiffs through your ass with no qualms!! (wow i am scaring myself, this isnt normal me. trust me all this P and F talk ends now and forever lol i hope. yeah and for future references i dont expell any bodily fluids or gases or whatever from any part of my body just like my good mama taught me)
the only upside? my boobs look gigantuan!!

happy weekend ya'll.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

I have a stalker! can now call me a celeb Part deaux!

around that time a new random guy started talking to me on yahoo messenger, after awhile this new guy started exhibiting his annoying character traits saying crap like "I know you like being the boss etc....." hia! how do you know biko? i had not even shown any bossy trait eyebrows raised in shock...................could it be???? nah!!!!!!!!!!! i even made a joke about it to my friend the first time we chatted saying what if?................anyhoo
after awhile he started making his igbotic tasteless very crude jokes, hmm ok o and then he couldnt hide his arrogance for long! i knew he was the one, so i continued talking to him even though i knew he was the same person o, i dont know why i did, but i wanted to humiliate him later for assuming i was dumb and would not find out, some friends encouraged me to ask him for money after awhile and try to get some money from him and scram lol money for my efforts hahha but afterawhile i knew e no go work o! it was becoming a chore!! i swear all those 419 guys that form emotional scam dey try shaa, its like working for minimum wage(as if i know what that's like), i decided i couldnt do it o, so i started pulling away from chats with this creep.

so the real dude all this while has been forming we need to talk and get this relationship back on track! begging my friend and all, another friend had a birthday i was there, and dinny went to call him behind my back to tell him that i was around, he called dinny and dinny handed the phone to me, i didnt want to speak but i had to but i wasnt nice to him, dinny gave the other female guests the gist and all the other girls about four descended on me claiming how i need to give the guy a chance and bear it blah blah blah.....olodo me listened, we talked dude was still obnoxious i said e don do, our personalities arent compatible lets end as distant acquaintances that never talk, dude went all cocky, started laughing on the phone in this iknowsomethingyoudontknow voice.
i told him i never want to talk to you again, he laughed and said, you think so? he made it sound like a threat, i felt steam pouring from my ears so i told him i knew he was the one who was posing as my secret friend on yahoo, he covered his surprise quickly, anyhoo long story short, he denied and tried to form that i was crazy and imagining things..........blah blah and i finished yabbing him and that was the end!
i moved on with my life, happy, it took me about a week to completely rid myself of his toxic fog he had managed to saturate in my life, i had forgotten his surname, was abit confused about his first name, sometimes my friend tells me he asks about me, i call him psycho and we laugh, last week he called me out of the blue and is like please listen, please i listen for the great apology!
he kept saying i am sorry over and over again and then i dont deserve you............i am like what! how many romantic movies did he watch to come up with that silly line "I dont deserve you"ndi mmuo, faya!
i told him to stop saying that, it was making me uncomfortable, i told him i had forgiven and moved on, his like...lets start over (in my head there is a huge x painted over his picture............never happen) i tell him i will think about it even though i know my answer, he starts gisting almost immediately in a relieved voice, i dont want to make so easy for him so i say in a cool voice, i have to go now, i tell him i will call him to let him now my decision he says ok and tries to keep me on the phone by making another of his stupid jokes as if to remind me why i had ordered him never to call me again.
he goes and calls dinny yakking about there is something about he has never been the same since i gave him a good talking to, how he is a new man,blah blah and how i am special...........see me see wahala! lol it seems i was able to cause an epiphany abi aha moment! lol
anyways i was very scared after the call (the romantic effect was lost on me o) i kept thinking what man do you reject the way i did comes running back? it still the ego? or have i now turned to a prize, like competition he must now have as he isnt used to being denied, i felt if i ever continued oone day he would show me pepper, i truly am scared o, he has been calling me since, i have not had the courage to pick up, he disturbs my friend, like a domino effect she inturn disturbs me to pick his calls(she teases me and tells me its chemistry not hatred i feel for him and she would laugh at me when we get married, i know better, this isnt the standard mills and boon story line of girl and boy meets but girl cant stand boy and later girl cant be away from boy and then forever, this is i want to rip his throat out hatred lol ok i exaggerate a bit)..............i am not ready to talk yet.i dont know if i ever will. i debated just being just friends with him, i dont think he has changed (dont ask me how i know) .......i dont think humans change that easily.......who knows? but all i know is i am scared o! i see missed calls on my phone everyday, i hold my phone and it starts vibrating, i look and its him, my heart beats faster, i tell myself to stop being overly dramatic, am i, am i though? (there are some parts not told in this story; sillier antics by him or this post would never end)
i should end by saying i told dinny to indirectly tell him to come clean and admit he was the yahoo messenger dude, afterall we are starting afresh shebi?? he denied. again.
i almost doubted myself if i wasnt so sure he was the one. you see immediately i confronted him, the yahoo one never sent me a message again and then i deleted him and ignored his ass for good measure.

uhm long post, sorry it took this long to post it
had the flu recently while surviving a category 1 hurricane (monsieur earl) my second hurricane so far lol just lucky they have all been cat1's though the sound of wind can be scary abit, oh weelllz......, mopped some water that entered the living room, yeah and my land lady brought me lozenges, vitamin c and i guzzled alot more tea than a granny in some cold place in england and it was cool i guess. uhm that's it folks!! (sorry for the bad cant make me change it!!! no no no!!! lol wanted to act out the petulant child. seriously i promise my next post will be properly punctuated, afterall i just survived a gigantic flu infection *melodramatic cough* *melodramatic cough*lol) cheers, even though i dont know you guys, i kinda dig you all, i even think about you guys sometimes(uhm i am not boring! i have a life!), i just want to say, love being here!

Monday, August 16, 2010

i have a can now call me a celeb. (part 1)

I have a stalker!!
that exclamation isnt the girlie woohoo shout of joy nor is it the thoughtless, light use of the word "stalker" that girls flippantly call chykers, i am actually a bit scared, by the end of this post you all please decide for me if i am paranoid or if there is something to my fear.
This story really long well well so i cant give every minute detail, i will only give the main gist of the matter.
A friend of mine introduced me to this bossy, over bearing arrogant prick of a man sometime..........umm last year? yelsz! anyhoo after talking to him for the third time, i knew this relationship we were supposed to be starting over the phone/ computer wasnt going to work out, and on the fourth time we talked this prick was being disrespectful so i politely told him i didnt like his behaviour, na here kata kata burst! anyhoo, so i found myself being rude to him to the point of telling him "You have a fucked up personality" or somethng like that (Me that hardly ever swears o!) i tell you this guy brought out the worst in me! i would be happy and after talking to him my emotions would border on anger and irritation, anyhoo this last time i knew i couldnt go on like this o, dude was like a vampire sucking out my life force, in all my twenty four years i have never disliked anyone half as i dislike this dude! i remember talking with him once and he went on how he couldnt wait to change me and all, and i was like dude we never start you don begin change(am i not supposed to want to change for myself) so i told him we couldnt be friends o, whatever it was we were having no go work, so go your way and i wish you luck finding the one! this wan don pass ego, this na yeyerity
dude refused o! i must be his friend, he gave me over 20 missed calls on my yahoo messenger, about ten on my phone and some on skype too and plenty offlines where he called me bossy and judgemental! okooo i thought it was meant to be an apology, dude was being passive aggressive o, giving a half hearted apology and also calling me authoritative, bossy, judgemental etc chei!.............i didnt reply, why would i? i know i am none of those things joo (uhm so i can be stubborn sometimes, but i am a nice sweetheart, i even used to be a doormat! but i've been learning and practising my no's like a good pupil!)
he kept bugging my friend dinny who introduced us in the first place to ask me to pick his calls (yeah i had warned my friend dinny to quit introducing me friend is responsible for many k-legged people i have met, she and her fiance who are determined to marry me off, her guy is matchmaking me on one side and she on the other, the last dude i told her... "enough lady with the matchmaking! thankyou i dont want ooo" until she gave me this one, she doesnt listen that one lol)
abeg,na by force to pick your call? when he made the tenth call and got no answer i had hoped his brain would tell him i was avoiding his calls.............guess not.
guess what happened next??

uhm i will post the concluding story soon i promise, i can post it now but it has so many typos and stuff i need to correct and lazy me is tired after having to correct the typos on this first part. cheers you all and i hope your monday is going better than mine! i went out on friday night and an unknown insect bit me on my right thigh, serves me right for wearing shorts and trying to chill by the beach under the moonlight while having some ribs and beer with a friend i had to flee to the car to save my poor right thigh, now i am having some type of allergic reaction, because the bumps spread to my buttocks, arms and legs and its itchy!!!!!!! enjoy your week as i bum out in my night gown scratching my bum.....till tomorrow when i can get meds
buttscratcher!!!!!!*Peter griffin voice* lol gross. i know

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

My second/third? marriage proposal!

Before i start this post i would love to say a big thanks for the response i got on the last post, Myne i hope it will be exciting o!and that wisdom is sooo needed, EDJ i will pat myself and i am not too eager to jump into marriage *shivers* not yet! achiever, i am wishing you the same goodluck and godspeed lol Ms beauty soul yes there will always be a little child inside of this big mama.
truly appreciate all the comments. mwah!

ok so let me start...........................
Yesterday i met a dumb young man, he was dark with plaited hair, skinny and average height for a man, i was told to communicate with him slowly and he would read my lips and answer me with a nod or hand gestures and sometimes a strange hoarselike sound forced out from his throat.
he said he had a discharge from his penis! uh-oh! i knew i had to see it.
so i told him to pull his trousers down, and i looked then touched, his scrotUM and then his penis, it is amazing how soft and harmless it is and looks, its llike the calm before the storm, its like an unloaded machine gun...............anyhoo i looked and i saw the yellow discharge, there was no doubt in my mind! na Gono.......gonococcus. it wasnt his first time, he claimed to be faithful to his girlfriend.
anyhoo moments later i was hanging out by the reception when i remembered i had forgotten to tell him to ask his girlie to come to the hospital for treatment as well, so as not to continue playing gono tag amongst themselves, so i told him and also wrote it down on a piece of paper for reinforcement. i go back to sitting and talking with my mates while waiting for the doctor to round up when K (his name) starts making gestures that he likes Hoda my haitian colleague,there is an uproar and we all laugh, next thing he decides its me he now likes and he waves, i look at him and he makes some hand gestures which i dont understand(makes a gesture to indicate sleeping and another with the tips of all the fingers of each hands touching as if like a tent), i tell him and he is adamant that i understand him and makes about five more attempts to get his message across even making his hoarse noise in the process, i still dont understand, i ask the nurses and those around they do not understand, i think they were lying, a new male colleague tells me it means that he would like to have sex with me, i am creeped out and i utter the word "creeepy!" but K now waves at me,i can see him from the corner of my eyes, he is still waving, i ignore him and make a joke telling Hoda that her husband(k) is calling her, she refuses to even turn, her head had been inclined away from him since he stated his interest in her, she had no intention of turning lol i too joke that i have horrible glaucoma(most people with progressed glaucoma have bad peripheral vision.....yaya medical joke!lol) he has no intention to stop waving, i am forced to look, now everyone at the reception is looking and slighlty amused, he tells me i have a beautiful face with his gesture, i cup my hand as in a prayer and bow hoping the gesture conveys that i am thankful for his compliment, he smiles and is pumped up........uh-oh i have encouraged frankenstein! lol
he asks if i am married, i say yes, he says i am lying, i laugh.........bear in mind most of this conversation was occuring via gestures and some words uttered on my part, Pat walks in, she is indian, next thing he starts hitting on Pat, so now i am forced into wing-man mode and i interpret his gestures for Pat, Pat is shy and uncomfortable this doesnt stopp me, i tell her "he likes you..........he thinks you have a beautiful face,....................are you married" i make a good interpreter now everybody is laughing except Pat, K is smiling too waiting
"What is your answer Pat?" now Pat laughs as well
a nurse brings his 1g of azithromycin and he swallows the medication and takes his follow-up prescription, he comes over to me and presents his hand to me, i make a big show of slapping his hand in a hand shake, eveyone laughs i too until he grabs my hand as if to kiss it, now i am not so enthusiastic, i make gestures to him and turn away from him, he is insistent , he uses his thumb and index finger to encircle my ring finger, i look at him, he wants to marry me, i laugh, he lets go of my finger and he rubs these same two fingers together, he has a lot of money he says, seeing there is no hope, i tell him to go and buy our ring and when he purchases it, we will talk
i and hoda simultaneously call the name of the diamond shop together and everybody howls in laughter, he promises to be back and then he leaves, i continue smiling at his receding back and then i think dang! i just washed my hands before the handshake and now i have to wash it again, who knows where his hands had been, hopefully not touching his pus discharging penis.